


i find my place (in your arms)

by enbyreneewalker



Series: autistic andrew minyard [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Autistic Andrew Minyard, Autistic meltdowns, Genderfluid Kevin Day, IM GOING TO SCREAM, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, No More Allistic Andrew Minyard, Nonbinary Neil Josten, Self-Harm, Society Has Progressed Past The Need For Allistic Andrew Minyard, also because im enby and i say so, also neil uses they/them in this fic, andrew has a meltdown in front of the team, as a treat, bc im autistic/neurodivergent and i Say So, giving andrew my favorite stim toys because fuck you he deserves it, istg if one of you tries to tell me that this is innacurate, sensory overloads, when EVERY detail is based off of my experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27095086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbyreneewalker/pseuds/enbyreneewalker
Summary: (trigger warning: r-slur)“If you don’t pick up the pace, I’ll sign you retards up for-”Wymack was cut off by the loud slam of a racket against the court walls. “Don’t fucking use that word,” Andrew said, every word a battle to get out of his throat. He tore off his helmet, dropping it on the floor alongside his racket, before walking quickly to the court doors.or, Andrew has a meltdown in front of the teamPLEASE READ NOTES FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: autistic andrew minyard [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978960
Comments: 13
Kudos: 201





	i find my place (in your arms)

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: self-harming (accidental), use of the r-slur and ableist language
> 
> text that is in-between '...' and is in italics is ASL. text that is in italics but not in-between '...' is thoughts/nonverbal communication
> 
> also, I know that ASL has its own grammatical structure but I wasn't sure how to write that, so if you know ASL please let me know if/how I should fix it!
> 
> Pretty much everything in this is based on my own experiences with meltdowns. If you read this and think portions of it are ooc, please read the endnotes.
> 
> All of this is based on my own experiences, but autism and neurodivergency are spectrums! Not everybody experiences them in the same way, and that is okay.
> 
> (also, y'all can have enby neil and genderfluid kevin. as a treat.)

Andrew was having a bad day. It had started that morning, waking up to the feeling of his pillow flipped over to the too-rough side he never slept on. It felt like knives on his skin, and he threw the pillow away from him, almost hitting Neil, who was standing across the room.

“Well hello there Sleeping Beauty,” they smirked, before seeing Andrew’s expression. “Hey, ‘Drew, what is it?”

“The fucking pillow was on the wrong side.”

Neil nodded in understanding, as this issue had come up a few times before. “Do you want some coffee?”

“I want nothing.”

They grinned. “You know, I’m believing that less and less every time you say that.”

Andrew glared at them, before admitting defeat. He stood up, grabbing one of the mugs from Neil. A silent ‘yes or no’ was exchanged before Andrew leaned in, giving them a quick kiss before walking into the living room. He sat with Neil on the couch for a while, reading a new book Bee had recommended. The sensory discomfort triggered earlier was still buzzing at the back of his head, taking up more attention than he wanted it to.

Throughout the day, it only got more intense. By the time his classes were over, he wanted to scream and was exhausted from how much he had been masking.

Neil was at their desk when he walked in, working on their assignments. They looked over at him and smiled.

“I put out some ice cream to soften a few minutes ago. You want some?”

He scowled at them for a few seconds, annoyed (happy) that Neil knew him so well, before breaking. “What kind?”

“Breyers Gelato.”

He glared at them, before heading into the kitchen as they laughed in triumph. Breyers was his favorite, the texture was creamy and soft, and the flavor wasn’t bad either. He was sitting on the counter, eating from the container when Kevin walked in.

“Pronouns?” He hadn’t seen Kevin yet today.

Kevin glared at the ice cream Andrew was eating before responding. “He/him. You’re going to ruin your-”

“Ah ah ah Kevin, you’re making the mistake of assuming that I give a shit.” He hopped off the counter, grabbing a bowl and scooping some of the ice cream into a bowl, and walking back into the living room so he could ignore him. He sat down next to Neil’s desk out of Kevin’s view, eating the rest of the ice cream and doing what Neil had unfortunately called the “happy food dance”. He headed into the bedroom after sitting with Neil for a while, knowing he needed to let himself stim for a bit before practice. The sensory discomfort was on the verge of turning into a full-blown overload, and he knew that if he progressed into a meltdown the team would be able to see him in that state.

It took a few minutes of hand flapping, rocking, and other stimming, but he was able to get the discomfort down to a bit more of a manageable level. Neil knocked softly on the door after about thirty minutes, smiling softly as Andrew looked up at them from his book.

“We have to get to practice. You want me to drive today?”

Andrew shook his head as he got up. “Yes or no?” he asked as he stood in front of Neil.

“Yes.” They kissed softly, holding each other for a few seconds before letting go. The pair walked out, collecting the people they were driving as they headed down to the parking lot.

The drive to the stadium was meditative for him, his eidetic memory and how often he drove the route making it easy for him to relax a bit more. It ended far too soon, and he sat in the car for an extra second to brace himself for the horrible fluorescent lights in the stadium.

The practice was shitty. Everyone was being too loud, and the lights were being too loud and too bright, and he could smell the stench of sweat on everything, and the squeak of the shoes on the flooring felt like knives in his brain, and his armbands were starting to chafe against his skin, and-

“If you don’t pick up the pace, I’ll sign you retards up for-”

Wymack was cut off by the loud slam of a racket against the court walls. “Don’t fucking use that word,” Andrew said, every word a battle to get out of his throat. He tore off his helmet, dropping it on the floor alongside his racket, before walking quickly to the court doors.

The upperclassman and Wymack looked at Andrew, and then Neil, shocked at his reaction to Wymack’s words. His actions were rushed, choppy, and he was shaking visibly enough that the entire team could see. Neil looked back at them, before rushing to catch up to Andrew, who was almost at the court doors.

Neil reached Andrew, stopping just in front of him so that they were in Andrew’s line of sight. “What’s happening?” they said softly, not sure how sensitive Andrew’s senses were.

Andrew stopped, bringing his shaking hands up to press roughly on his ears, rubbing at them harshly in an attempt to block out sound, a pained expression on his face. He brought down one hand to sign, the other still trying to block his ears from sound. He signed quickly, his hand quivering. ‘ _Meltdown. Senses bad_.’

Neil nodded in response, signing back once they made sure Andrew was watching them. ‘ _Can you get to the locker room or bench?_ ’

 _‘Bench.’_ He wanted the privacy of the locker room, but he wouldn’t be able to get that far before completely losing control and having to sit down in the hallway. He didn’t have the mental capacity or energy to care about what the rest of the team would think.

_‘Okay. Yes or no?’_

Andrew nodded, allowing Neil to bring one hand over Andrew’s ear, bringing his head to rest on Neil’s shoulder to cover his other ear as they started to walk off the court. Kevin looked frustrated, walking over to them with the intent to stop them.

“We’re in the middle of-”

Neil cut him off with a murderous glare as Andrew flinched and let out a pained whine at Kevin’s voice. They had finally reached the doors, and Neil opened them and closed them as quietly as they could, leading him to the bench. ‘Do you have your stuff?’

_‘Bag. Locker room.’_

Neil nodded, pausing, before leaving Andrew to walk over to the court. Andrew let them go, hands covering his ears again, and folded until his elbows were on his knees, using his feet on the ground for leverage to rock himself back and forth harshly. Neil opened and closed the court door, waking in completely to block sound as much as possible.

“Aaron. There’s a bag in Andrew’s locker, next to his extra gear. Go get it, and be fucking quiet as you do.”

Aaron glared at them but nodded. The pair walked back out of the court, Neil walking back to Andrew, and Aaron heading to the locker room. Andrew was now struggling to get his armbands off, the combination of the texture and how tight they were making him want to scream.

Neil crouched down in front of him. _‘Are you sure you want them off?’_

Andrew nodded, frustrated and pained tears threatening to spill out of his eyes as he ripped at the bands frantically, scratching at his skin until it bled in the process. Neil sighed, knowing that this would expose him to the upperclassmen’s eyes, but still wanting to help Andrew. They grabbed Andrew’s arm as lightly as they could, taking the armbands off. Andrew sighed in relief as they did, covering his ears with his hands again. At this point, the team was starting to filter off of the court, and Neil could hear the gasps as they saw Andrew’s scars.

Neil turned and glared at them, using slightly crude gestures to shoo them back onto the court. As they started to go back in, Aaron emerged from the hallway, holding the bag. He set it down next to Neil, a quiet threat in his eyes.

_If you hurt him, Josten, I swear to God I’ll-_

Neil looked at him. I know. _I’ll take care of him._

They reached into the bag, grabbing a pair of ear defenders and slipping them over Andrew’s ears after getting a head nod to make sure it was okay. Immediately Andrew’s face slackened in relief, his rocking slowing as he started to flap his hands, hitting his wrists together in between.

After a bit, he opened his eyes slowly, not pausing in his rocking as he reached into the bag, pulling out a few stim toys that Neil had bought him after learning about his diagnosis. He took one of the chews, a rainbow lego-brick shaped one with different textures along the surface of it, as well as a small scented slow-rise plush that smelled like hot chocolate (Bee had given it to him, and it was one of his favorites).

He continued flapping a hand at his side, chewing on the brick and stimming with the plush, bringing it up to his nose to smell the chocolate every so often. Neil sat down about a few inches away from him, making sure Andrew knew that they were there if he needed them. After a couple of minutes, as Andrew’s breathing started to get back under control, he scooted closer to Neil, grabbing Neil’s arm and putting it over his shoulder to get some weight on his body. Neil took the cue and wrapped their arms around Andrew, squeezing him enough to ground him, but not enough to make him panic.

They sat there for almost thirty minutes, Neil holding Andrew as he continued to calm himself down. The team left the court about twenty minutes after trying (and failing) to resume practice, receiving glares from Neil that made sure they were quiet as they headed to the locker room. Eventually, Andrew sighed, pushing himself out of Neil’s arms, wiping away the few tears that he had allowed to spill.

_‘Are you okay?’_

_‘I will be. I need a shower.’_

_‘Do you want me to deal with everyone?’_

Andrew made a face, imperceptible to most people (but Neil had never been “most people”). _‘If I’m verbal by then, I’ll tell them. I’ll let you know otherwise.’_

They stood up, Neil grabbing Andrew’s armbands and holding them out to him in question. _‘No,’_ he signed after a while. _‘Can’t do the texture.’_ Neil nodded, stuffing the armbands into the bag with the other sensory equipment. Andrew swapped out the chew and plush for a small infinite rings stim, one of the other stim toys Neil had bought him.

When they got to the locker room, the conversations came to an abrupt halt, abandoned in favor of trying to discreetly stare at the pair. They walked through the locker room, Neil stopping to grab their extra clothes and towels, as well as a hoodie they knew was a comfort item, as Andrew continued into the showers.

“Neil-” Matt started.

They turned around. “No. We aren’t talking about this yet.”

They continued after Andrew, making sure the clothes were set somewhere they wouldn’t get wet before stepping out of their gear and turning on the shower in the stall next to Andrew. They kept their shower short, making sure they would be there if Andrew needed them. They got dressed quickly, pulling on their armbands as the shower in Andrew’s stall turned off. They handed him a towel through the door and set Andrew’s clothes outside the stall.

Andrew got dressed quickly as well, raising an eyebrow at Neil when he noticed the hoodie. Neil grinned as Andrew signed _‘128% junkie.’_

“Aw, you love me,” they said softly. Andrew glared as he pulled on the hoodie, but stepped in front of Neil.

_‘Yes or no?’_

They frowned. “Are you sure, ‘Drew?”

Andrew continued to glare.

“Then yes, idiot.” The couple kissed quickly, a reassurance to each other that they were there. Andrew sighed before stepping back into the locker room. It was empty, but the two had a feeling that nobody had actually left.

Andrew and Neil gathered their things, pulling on shoes and grabbing wallets and keys from their lockers. They both stepped into the lounge, not surprised to find the team sitting there waiting.

“Do you want to do this right now?” Neil asked.

_‘Might as well. You’re gonna have to either tell them yourself or translate, Renee only knows a little bit of sign.’_

Neil nodded, walking over to sit down on one of the couches. Andrew followed them, sitting in between their legs with his back pressed to their chest. Neil could feel the team’s eyes on them as they rested their arms against Andrew’s stomach after a nod of permission. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Neil sighed. “Ask away, but don’t talk too loudly.”

“What in the fuck was that?” Allison said after a few seconds of silence.

Neil looked at Andrew, who didn’t move. _You can tell them whatever._

They looked back at the team. “An autistic meltdown.”

The room was shocked at that. “You’re autistic?” Matt said, looking at Andrew in surprise. Andrew nodded, his eyes closed against the harsh fluorescents in the room.

“But you don’t look autistic,” Dan said.

“That’s not how autism works, Dan,” Renee said softly. “There’s no ‘look’ to autism.”

Wymack spoke, his voice gruff but clearly concerned. “Why did that happen after I said r-” Andrew opened his eyes to glare at him. “-that word?”

Neil looked at Wymack in confusion. “No offense Coach, but are you stupid? It’s an ableist slur, why the fuck wouldn’t Andrew be upset at that?”

“I’ve said it other times, without this reaction.”

Neil sighed. “This has been building all day. It was probably unavoidable. But this is a conversation that ‘Drew clearly doesn’t want to have. And Andrew not stabbing you doesn’t make what you were saying acceptable. Just- don’t say it again.”

Wymack looked at Neil and Andrew for a while, before nodding once.

 _‘Is Q &A time over now?_’ Andrew signed.

Neil laughed softly. “Any more questions guys?”

“When did you guys learn sign language?” Nicky said. He and Aaron had known about Andrew’s diagnosis for a while, but they had never seen Neil and Andrew use ASL before.

“We learned it a while ago after a couple of nonverbal episodes where ‘Drew had to write down everything, which was getting frustrating. It’s just faster and easier this way.”

Andrew started to get up, done with the conversation and the attention he was getting. Neil stood up as well, sending looks to the rest of the people they were driving to make sure they followed.

Neil drove back since Andrew normally went into a shutdown after meltdowns and wouldn’t be able to drive. He curled up in the passenger seat, back against the wall as he looked at Neil. Their face looked ethereal in the lighting, the sunset making their face glow in a way Andrew could look at for hours.

They looked over at him, before laughing softly. “Staring.” They gave him a soft smile.

“130%”

**Author's Note:**

> -Andrew not caring that the team is seeing him in the middle of a meltdown/seeing his scars is not, in my opinion, out of character. Meltdowns are COMPLETE losses of control, and they are terrifying because of this. At that moment, the only thing Andrew would be thinking about is what is happening to him, and would likely not be thinking about how the team would react. While he did want the privacy of the locker room, he realized he would not be able to get there before completely losing his control, and decided sitting in the stands would be better than sitting on the floor in a hallway.
> 
> -NO, Andrew is not being ooc for stimming. Stimming is something that is NECESSARY for our emotional and sensory regulation. In the beginning, he did hide his stimming from Kevin by going into his room for privacy, but Andrew DID NOT have the option to not stim during the meltdown. At this point, hiding these stims is excruciatingly painful in a way I can't describe to somebody that doesn't experience these things, in a physical, mental, and emotional way.
> 
> -And I can't believe I have to say this, but Andrew using stim toys is also not ooc. I gave him a chew stim because, at these moments, I myself need a chew stim. I have chewed on my fingers to the point that they have blistered and bled, so as I was deciding what to write, I gave Andrew something that I experience and a way to deal with it without HURTING himself. I also made the chew one of the ones I have in real life, which has helped me a lot, so I thought it would be nice if it could help Andrew too. As for the hot-chocolate scented plush, I was using one of my own that smelled like cherries and thought it would be nice for Andrew to have one that smells like hot chocolate, as he likely associates that with sessions with Bee (a space where he feels safe) and would feel safer to have something like that with him. And then the infinite rings stim I gave him is one of my favorites that I usually use for times where I'm still on edge but don't need something huge.
> 
> Again, all of this is based on my own experiences, but autism and neurodivergency are spectrums! Not everybody experiences them in the same way, and that is okay.


End file.
